Ultimatum doesn't help break the cycle of challenging behaviour

I have been watching the Netflix show “Ultimatum”.

If you have not seen it, it’s basically about people giving each other ultimatum by going through a period of experience living with another person to find out if they want to marry the person they come in with.

I am so addicted to it and fascinated by the psychology and human behaviour behind it.

If you think about it, has any of your ultimatum worked?

Or if any ultimatum you have received change you what you want and need, or make you behave differently?

If yes, then you are not really being true to yourself.

Your temporary compliance is based on fear, not what you need and desire.

You will break eventually. 😣

The most common things I heard from parents are..

“If you don’t change how you behave, you will be out of here when you are 16”.

“ If you don’t do this, you are going to be grounded forever”.

“ If this continues, then I am divorcing you”.

We say things when we are angry, frustrated or possibly after a long time of feeling being built up.

You just have had enough. 😔

You then snap and threaten

Give ultimatums… 😥

It’s a survival instinct because your body mind soul is telling you, you can’t keep doing this anymore, but you are struggling to stop or change things at the front end of the sequence.

It just builds up over time.

I have been there myself many times.

I compromised my needs and wants.

I gave other people the first refusal.

Where did it get me...??

I gave ultimatums and eventually I was still back at square 1.

Over the years, I have learned to stay true to my needs and wants.

I am not asking people to prioritise me.

I am asking myself to prioritise me every time and all the time.

Then what happens next is truly beautiful.

People change around me because of my change.

The energy changes, the interaction changes, the behaviour changes, the relationship changes and so on.

It all starts from me focusing on things I can change from my end.

It’s a ripple effect.

I am not saying it’s easy because there will be resistance from others.

People will fight back.

What always grounds me is me focusing on my dance move, not others.

Whether it’s about you struggling to co-parent with your partner or whether it’s about you struggling to help your teens, or manage their challenging behaviour..

Giving yourself the permission to prioritise yourself your needs, wants, and desires.

When you shift your focus, things change beautifully.

Remember,

🌈 There's always hope, endless hope

Warmly Pei-I

Parenting and Teen Expert @ Rainbow Parenting Practice

P.S . I help parents parent their teens with challenging behaviour effectively and have a harmonious family life in 90 days. Here's the link to THE TTP METHOD if you would like to find out more about how I can help your family. https://www.rainbowparentingpractice.com/raisingthrivingteensaccelerator Once you get on to the website, Enter your information, and you will get all the secrets to how I make it possible to help families with challenging behaviour to have a harmonious family life in 90 days. Next I'd like to invite you to schedule your Raising Thriving Teens call where I will share with you the common threads that keep the challenges going at home and practical strategies to help you start moving things forward.