The Truth About Sibling Conflicts: How Family Patterns Shape Conflict — and How to Repair It

Sibling relationships are among the most enduring and emotionally charged bonds in our lives. They can be sources of profound support, deep understanding, and lifelong friendship.

Yet, they can also harbour intense rivalry, unresolved resentment, and painful estrangement. As a family therapist specialising in adolescent behaviour and systemic family patterns, I've observed that the dynamics between siblings are often shaped long before any overt conflict arises.

These dynamics are embedded in early family experiences, cultural expectations, and unspoken emotional legacies.

Why Siblings Fight: What’s Really Going On Beneath the Surface

1. The Roots of Sibling Dynamics: Prenatal and Early Childhood Influences

The foundation of sibling relationships is laid even before birth. Prenatal experiences, such as the emotional climate during pregnancy, can influence how each child is perceived and related to by their parents. For instance, a child conceived during a period of marital harmony may be unconsciously associated with positive feelings, while one conceived during times of stress or loss may evoke more complex emotions.

Birth experiences further shape these dynamics. A traumatic birth or early health challenges can lead parents to become overly protective or anxious, affecting their interactions with that child. These early parental responses can set the stage for how siblings relate to each other, often without conscious awareness.

2. Birth Order and Role Assignments

Birth order plays a significant role in the development of sibling dynamics. Firstborns are often cast in roles of responsibility and leadership, expected to set examples and care for younger siblings. This can lead to feelings of pressure and a loss of personal identity.

Middle children may struggle with feelings of invisibility, striving to find their unique place within the family. Youngest siblings might be indulged or underestimated, leading to challenges in developing autonomy.

These roles are not inherently negative, but when rigidly enforced, they can limit personal growth and fuel sibling tensions. Understanding and challenging these assigned roles is crucial for fostering healthier relationships.

3. Parental Influence and Re-enactments

Parents' own sibling experiences often influence how they parent their children without being in their awareness. A parent who felt overshadowed by a sibling may overcompensate by favouring one child, while another who experienced sibling rivalry may avoid addressing conflicts between their own children, hoping to maintain peace.

These patterns can lead to favouritism, scapegoating, or emotional disconnect all of which contribute to sibling conflict. Recognising and addressing these re-enactments is essential in breaking the cycle and promoting healthier family dynamics.

4. Parenting approaches

Parenting approaches, especially when inconsistent, create subtle rivalries. If one child is praised for being ‘easy’ while the other is labelled ‘difficult,’ those labels become identity markers — not just within the family, but in how they see each other.”

In my current practice, I’m seeing a surge in sibling conflict that isn’t just “normal rivalry” — it’s conflict that fractures the emotional stability of the entire family. These aren’t minor disagreements over screen time. They are chronic, unresolved power struggles, verbal attacks, and sometimes even physical aggression that leave parents feeling defeated and disconnected.

In many of these families, sibling dynamics have become the central source of tension — influencing marriage strain, parenting disagreements, and even decisions about whether to keep children in the same home. These patterns don’t emerge in isolation. They are reflections of deeper emotional systems: unmet needs, unspoken roles, and unaddressed family history. And without support, they risk becoming the relational blueprint siblings carry into adulthood — or cut ties over.

And when you add cultural expectations to the mix, the pressure increases.

5. Cultural Expectations and Obligations

Cultural norms significantly shape sibling relationships. In collectivist cultures, for example, older child may be expected to prioritise family duties over personal desires, leading to suppressed emotions and unmet needs. The expectation to maintain harmony and fulfil familial roles can prevent open communication and the resolution of underlying issues.

When one child begins to assert their individuality or challenge traditional roles, it can be perceived as betrayal, further straining the relationship. Navigating these cultural expectations requires sensitivity and a willingness to engage in honest dialogue about personal needs and boundaries.

Healing Through Systemic Understanding

Healing sibling relationships requires a systemic approach that considers the broader family context. This involves exploring family histories, understanding inherited patterns, and recognising the roles each member plays. Family Therapy can provide a structured environment to unpack these dynamics and facilitate healing.

Key steps in this process include:

• Identifying Patterns: Recognising recurring themes and behaviours that contribute to conflict.

• Understanding Roles: Examining the roles assigned within the family and how they influence interactions.

• Exploring Family History: Investigating past events and traumas that may impact current relationships.

• Developing New Narratives: Reframing experiences to foster empathy and understanding.

• Establishing Boundaries: Setting healthy boundaries to protect emotional well-being.

Moving Forward: How Parents Can Support Healthier Sibling Relationships

Sibling conflict isn’t just about who said what — it’s about deeper emotional patterns, roles, and unmet needs. Here’s how you, as a parent, can begin shifting the dynamic:

• Reflect on the System: Look at the family patterns each child is part of. Are certain roles (the “responsible one,” the “difficult one”) being reinforced? Awareness is the first step toward change.

  
  

• Stay Neutral in Conflict: Avoid assigning blame or “taking sides.” Instead, guide your teens to reflect on their part and express their needs safely.

  
  

• Model Emotional Regulation: Your ability to stay calm, name emotions, and hold boundaries teaches your children how to do the same.

  
  

• Facilitate Repair, Not Just Resolution: It’s not about ending the argument — it’s about helping your teens understand why it happened and how to reconnect afterwards.

  
  

• Invest in Systemic Support: Sometimes, external guidance is needed. Family therapy or a structured parenting intervention (like Restoring Harmony) can help decode the deeper drivers and reset the emotional tone at home.

Struggling with sibling conflict at home?

When one child is aggressive and the other is anxious, when the fighting never stops and you're stuck refereeing instead of parenting — it's not just a phase. It's a family system asking for change.

Inside Restoring Harmony, we don’t just manage behaviour. We decode the dynamics and show you how to lead differently — so your kids feel safe with you and with each other.

🛠️ Learn the exact approach I use with families facing sibling tension, emotional shutdown, and conflict that’s tearing the household apart.

Book your family breakthrough consult call now and I will show you your family's roadmap to harmony.

until then

There's always hope, endless hope.

Pei-I